Afghanistan: The Republic of Kabul.
budget estimates: Laughable. The soft bigotry of low expectations for professional economists.
Bush hatred: More intense than Clinton hatred. Has yet to generate impeachment proceedings.
congressional oversight: Embarrassing in an era of one party rule. Made Harry Truman and Sam Ervin household names.
Conservative Democrats: Dying breed. In bygone days they used to vote with their Party most of the time.
Democrats: Amateurs. Not to be taken seriously due to a lack of media savvy.
diplomacy: Sign of weakness. Easier to avoid all manner of foreign entanglements without it.
elections: Too important to be left to the pollsters. Get out and vote!
follow-up question: Disrespectful. Rarely used with much effectiveness. General fear among press corp as to where a good one might lead.
Gallup Poll: Confusing. Survived calling the 1948 election for Dewey to become the most respected polling operation in the land.
health care reform: Expensive proposition. No real solutions given that it's a responsibility and not a right.
investigative reporting: Lost art. Woodward and Bernstein would have had to give up Watergate investigation due to lack of interest shown in Washington Post/CBS polling.
Iyad Allawi: George Washington of the New Iraq. Only Nguyen Van Thieu had a higher percentage of popular support.
likely voters: Mysterious unknown quantity. Fastest growing segment of our hypothetical electorate.
loyalty: Rewarded more often than competence and integrity in current political climate.
lying: More useful as a governing principle than even Machiavelli could have conceived. Currently no objective means to disprove.
Moderate Republicans: Much talked about but perenial no-shows in any political debate. Vote with the conservatives in their Party more often than Conservative Democrats.
negative campaigning: Rigged game. American voters supposedly dislike except when it's effective.
North Korea: Strange paranoid remnant of the Cold War. If the President isn't worried, why should you be?
nuance: Overused. Once referred to slight differences, now synonymous with a lack of principles.
The Pentagon: Poorly managed. Closest thing we have to a Soviet-style bureaucracy.
political campaigns: Boring. Expensive dog and pony show briefly seen on the nightly news.
Registered Republicans: Recent polling data suggests they have miraculously defied all historical precedent and are now regularly counted as almost 40% of the entire electorate. Up from only 33% in all previous elections. (see Gallup Poll)
Southerners: A proud, somewhat sensitive lot. “They have only two solutions to every problem; more guns and more Jesus.“ Be assured they know even less about where you come from.
Texas: Bigger than France and twice as assured of its own cultural superiority.
Vice Presidency: Superfluous. Used to be about as ceremonial a position as the governor of Texas.
War on Terror: Equivalent of declaring war on Japanese torpedo bombers after Pearl Harbor. May last longer than the war between Oceania and Eurasia.
Winston Churchill: Vociferous defender of the British Empire and patron saint of American Conservatism. He had troubles in Iraq, too.
younger voters: Rarely have anyone looking out for them.