Afghanistan:  The Republic of Kabul.

budget estimates:  Laughable.  The soft bigotry of low expectations for professional economists.

Bush hatred:  More intense than Clinton hatred.  Has yet to generate impeachment proceedings.

congressional oversight:  Embarrassing in an era of one party rule.  Made Harry Truman and Sam Ervin household names.

Conservative Democrats:  Dying breed.  In bygone days they used to vote with their Party most of the time.

Democrats:  Amateurs.  Not to be taken seriously due to a lack of media savvy.

diplomacy:  Sign of weakness.  Easier to avoid all manner of foreign entanglements without it.

elections:  Too important to be left to the pollsters.  Get out and vote!

follow-up question:  Disrespectful.  Rarely used with much effectiveness.  General fear among press corp as to where a good one might lead.

Gallup Poll:  Confusing.  Survived calling the 1948 election for Dewey to become the most respected polling operation in the land.

health care reform:  Expensive proposition.  No real solutions given that it's a responsibility and not a right.

investigative reporting:  Lost art.  Woodward and Bernstein would have had to give up Watergate investigation due to lack of interest shown in Washington Post/CBS polling.

Iyad Allawi:  George Washington of the New Iraq.  Only Nguyen Van Thieu had a higher percentage of popular support.

likely voters:  Mysterious unknown quantity.  Fastest growing segment of our hypothetical electorate.

loyalty:  Rewarded more often than competence and integrity in current political climate.

lying:  More useful as a governing principle than even Machiavelli could have conceived.  Currently no objective means to disprove.

Moderate Republicans:  Much talked about but perenial no-shows in any political debate.  Vote with the conservatives in their Party more often than Conservative Democrats.

negative campaigning:  Rigged game.  American voters supposedly dislike except when it's effective.

North Korea:  Strange paranoid remnant of the Cold War.  If the President isn't worried, why should you be?

nuance:  Overused.  Once referred to slight differences, now synonymous with a lack of principles.

The Pentagon:  Poorly managed.  Closest thing we have to a Soviet-style bureaucracy.

political campaigns:  Boring.  Expensive dog and pony show briefly seen on the nightly news.

Registered Republicans:  Recent polling data suggests they have miraculously defied all historical precedent and are now regularly counted as almost 40% of the entire electorate.  Up from only 33% in all previous elections. (see Gallup Poll)

Southerners:  A proud, somewhat sensitive lot.  “They have only two solutions to every problem; more guns and more Jesus.“  Be assured they know even less about where you come from. 

Texas:  Bigger than France and twice as assured of its own cultural superiority.

Vice Presidency:  Superfluous.  Used to be about as ceremonial a position as the governor of Texas.

War on Terror:  Equivalent of declaring war on Japanese torpedo bombers after Pearl Harbor.  May last longer than the war between Oceania and Eurasia.

Winston Churchill:  Vociferous defender of the British Empire and patron saint of American Conservatism.  He had troubles in Iraq, too.

younger voters:  Rarely have anyone looking out for them.